I have been MIA lately because of my loss of control over the war. Many battles have been lost and I am beginning to contemplate reaching out for help. Questioning for the MILLIONTH time whether I should continue to go it alone, or to reach out for help. This is a tough question. I really don’t know what to do. Which one is better? Is one better that the other? Go it alone or reach out for help? Keep it in as my own internal war, invisible to all those around me…or bring the support of others into my war to be victorious? So many difficult questions…what do I do?
Time and time again I have seemingly failed on my own…I have always been scared to reach out about this…nothing else in my life is difficult for me to ask for help…BUT this always has been difficult if not impossible.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Love Yourself First All Else Follows
I just realized that in the last week, as I was winning the many battles and pressing forward towards victory I found something. I found my self. In the last week before this mornings defeat I was more present in my own life than I have been in a LONG time. What a powerful weapon it is. I need to tap into this from here on out. I can’t remember a time where I was so present. Being able to enjoy the present…what a gift; why would one want to throw that away? I need to ask my self these questions constantly.
I love you, Yourself.
I love you, Yourself.
I made it just a smidge over a week. Stronger than ever. That was it. Then I was overpowered. Big time. It is frustrating and discouraging, but I must not loose my focus and strength.
Yesterday I gave an INCH and he took a MILE. I could not fend him off. I tried but he overpowered me. It was the first battle that I have lost in this war. I must keep my record strong and continue to win battle after battle, until the war begins to clearly tip my way. There needs to be no doubt that I own and control the demon. Not a single question.
I need to find the same spark again like last week.
I have realized that when I am overpowered by the demon for whatever amount of time I am like a zombie. It does not seem like me, rather another person in my skin. They do not carry on like I; such as an imposter would do. Who wants to be taken by an imposter? More so, taken completely as a person. It is like I am watching from above…a movie about a train wreck. I don’t enjoy watching this movie but there is no stop button. It is over when it is over. When the demon has had his fill……..what a greedy bastard.
I am learning more about my enemy as I go. I believe that the key to winning this war, or any war, is to know you enemy inside and out. Know all the faces that he can take on, even if it is a familiar and friendly face. He is a clever enemy. I have come to learn that he likes to ambush me. He shows his face as that of a friend. True friends always have your best interest in mind. This is not true for him ever, yet I take him as a friendly face; only to be betrayed and disappointed that I was fooled again. I would say that this is one of his most powerful weapons against me. I must build up my defenses against this devastating weapon. I will spend the next few days solely focusing on this solution(s). It will be time very well spend, as this was how I lost my first battle in this war. One for him. It hurts to say that, but it is true and I must face my defeats, and see them as opportunities to prevent the same thing from occurring again.
Today has served as a reminder, clear as can be that I am dealing with a very intelligent, sly, powerful enemy. I must take him very seriously and not let my guard down. If anything I must stay paranoid to stay truly safe.
In the past I have run from the challenge, today I face it. I will not run this time. I will not quit. I will not surrender. I am strong. I am determined. My mind is strong, my body stronger. I will press on. For my self and my loved ones.
Huuahhh!
Day 8 - broken but not defeated, not even close…
Yesterday I gave an INCH and he took a MILE. I could not fend him off. I tried but he overpowered me. It was the first battle that I have lost in this war. I must keep my record strong and continue to win battle after battle, until the war begins to clearly tip my way. There needs to be no doubt that I own and control the demon. Not a single question.
I need to find the same spark again like last week.
I have realized that when I am overpowered by the demon for whatever amount of time I am like a zombie. It does not seem like me, rather another person in my skin. They do not carry on like I; such as an imposter would do. Who wants to be taken by an imposter? More so, taken completely as a person. It is like I am watching from above…a movie about a train wreck. I don’t enjoy watching this movie but there is no stop button. It is over when it is over. When the demon has had his fill……..what a greedy bastard.
I am learning more about my enemy as I go. I believe that the key to winning this war, or any war, is to know you enemy inside and out. Know all the faces that he can take on, even if it is a familiar and friendly face. He is a clever enemy. I have come to learn that he likes to ambush me. He shows his face as that of a friend. True friends always have your best interest in mind. This is not true for him ever, yet I take him as a friendly face; only to be betrayed and disappointed that I was fooled again. I would say that this is one of his most powerful weapons against me. I must build up my defenses against this devastating weapon. I will spend the next few days solely focusing on this solution(s). It will be time very well spend, as this was how I lost my first battle in this war. One for him. It hurts to say that, but it is true and I must face my defeats, and see them as opportunities to prevent the same thing from occurring again.
Today has served as a reminder, clear as can be that I am dealing with a very intelligent, sly, powerful enemy. I must take him very seriously and not let my guard down. If anything I must stay paranoid to stay truly safe.
In the past I have run from the challenge, today I face it. I will not run this time. I will not quit. I will not surrender. I am strong. I am determined. My mind is strong, my body stronger. I will press on. For my self and my loved ones.
Huuahhh!
Day 8 - broken but not defeated, not even close…
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wow. I am definently NOT even beginning to get to the point where it might get a little easier…not even close! It is hard times right now. Using up lots of strength…lots. Although I realize this, I need to think of ways where I don’t need to use so much sheer willpower and thus strength to get through a single day on top. I need to try and make it easier…even a little bit, on myself. This would help immensely.
On a side note, I do wonder if and when my enemy will begin to tire? Before or after me? Interesting thought, but no one to dwell on. Focusing on my self and not the enemy is the key.
Not that hero’s don’t win wars, but you shouldn’t try to be a hero…I believe it kind of just happens. Someone is in a set of circumstances that most people would come out of known as a “hero”. More reliant on the circumstances than the person; not to say that people wouldn’t react differently.
I need to attack my enemy intelligently and strategically. No hero stuff. Just straight forward BATTLE. Simple as that.
I am heading in to the first weekend of this war. Where my environment will change from the day job, to a weekend full of free time. I will most likely engage my enemy more this weekend than all week! I am conciouse of this an prepared for battle. This weekend will serve as just another small battle in this much greater WAR. Shall we call it “the battle of the first weekend”? Very catchy! Hah. I’m sticking to it.
Day 4 of war.
On a side note, I do wonder if and when my enemy will begin to tire? Before or after me? Interesting thought, but no one to dwell on. Focusing on my self and not the enemy is the key.
Not that hero’s don’t win wars, but you shouldn’t try to be a hero…I believe it kind of just happens. Someone is in a set of circumstances that most people would come out of known as a “hero”. More reliant on the circumstances than the person; not to say that people wouldn’t react differently.
I need to attack my enemy intelligently and strategically. No hero stuff. Just straight forward BATTLE. Simple as that.
I am heading in to the first weekend of this war. Where my environment will change from the day job, to a weekend full of free time. I will most likely engage my enemy more this weekend than all week! I am conciouse of this an prepared for battle. This weekend will serve as just another small battle in this much greater WAR. Shall we call it “the battle of the first weekend”? Very catchy! Hah. I’m sticking to it.
Day 4 of war.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The battle rages on. It can get tiring at times. I have this new found energy, but at the same time I am exerting so much more to fight this demon that I am easily worn. It is OK though, because over time this power struggle will shift to the point where I will be full of energy and strength to accomplish great things. Until I reach this point (which will be in some time) I will be at war and needing nourishment to keep me strong.
I will receive this nourishment from my friends, family, romance, activity, and other positive things in my life.
I have done, and plan to do so many things I have been “meaning” to do for such a long time. The only problem was that the demon was ruling my life, and I was not able to do what I wanted. I did what he wanted. That has now changed.
I keep having brief thoughts in my head about “slipping up”…he is constantly pressing down on me, and once in a while I stop to think….I am getting tired of this pressing, maybe I will given in. It would be SO easy to do this…because I have spent half my life SUCESFULLY doing this. But I am at war. NO SURRENDER. If my best friend can leave his wife and baby behind to go to war in the most violent area on earth, at the most violent time of the war, then I can own this demon FUCKER.
That is right, I have resorted to name calling…actually it is more of a way to let out tension….and let it out in the DEMONS direction and no one elses. NO one else deserves that..NO one. I need to stay conscious of that; no innocent people may be harmed. Especially those closest to me.
Slip up? FUCK no. It’s on…has been…will be…forever. BITCH.
Day 3 Only the beginning.
I will receive this nourishment from my friends, family, romance, activity, and other positive things in my life.
I have done, and plan to do so many things I have been “meaning” to do for such a long time. The only problem was that the demon was ruling my life, and I was not able to do what I wanted. I did what he wanted. That has now changed.
I keep having brief thoughts in my head about “slipping up”…he is constantly pressing down on me, and once in a while I stop to think….I am getting tired of this pressing, maybe I will given in. It would be SO easy to do this…because I have spent half my life SUCESFULLY doing this. But I am at war. NO SURRENDER. If my best friend can leave his wife and baby behind to go to war in the most violent area on earth, at the most violent time of the war, then I can own this demon FUCKER.
That is right, I have resorted to name calling…actually it is more of a way to let out tension….and let it out in the DEMONS direction and no one elses. NO one else deserves that..NO one. I need to stay conscious of that; no innocent people may be harmed. Especially those closest to me.
Slip up? FUCK no. It’s on…has been…will be…forever. BITCH.
Day 3 Only the beginning.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I was fearless yesterday. I had a new found strength. It was nice.
Although I have not nearly begun this battle with the demon (I will no longer refer to him as “my demon” because he is no longer a part of me) the simple fact that I have consciously taken on this challenge is empowering; because it is such a challenge to take on. It has only been a day and a half since the beginning of this war I feel empowered. He can easily “hide” for a few days or more, and then rear his UGLY FUCKEN face whenever he feels like it. Not when I feel like it….when HE feels like it. This is because he is good at making me feel like I am in control when I am not. I have realized this. That is why I am at war with him. I want to push him in to the darkness of nothingness; back where he came from. I will need all the strength I can for this colossal feat; luckily humans are totally capable of such feats. I am only human, but to him I am the human who will end his existence.
It is time for him to go. It has been his time for a LONG TIME, but only now am I stepping up to the plate. His roots run so deep, that I can no longer tell whether it is my self or him who is talking in my head. I need to love my self more, and he will dissipate….forever.
Just this morning, he appeared and was able to create a feeling that I would miss him once I successfully end him. Amazing are his powers of influence! Truly Amazing.
The most amazing thing (which is also a key driver to my strength) is the fact that I know nothing else in my life will be as challenging as this war. Once I successfully defeat this mighty demon, other challenges in my life will simply be child’s play. It is as simple as that.
It is on. BIG TIME.
Day 2
Although I have not nearly begun this battle with the demon (I will no longer refer to him as “my demon” because he is no longer a part of me) the simple fact that I have consciously taken on this challenge is empowering; because it is such a challenge to take on. It has only been a day and a half since the beginning of this war I feel empowered. He can easily “hide” for a few days or more, and then rear his UGLY FUCKEN face whenever he feels like it. Not when I feel like it….when HE feels like it. This is because he is good at making me feel like I am in control when I am not. I have realized this. That is why I am at war with him. I want to push him in to the darkness of nothingness; back where he came from. I will need all the strength I can for this colossal feat; luckily humans are totally capable of such feats. I am only human, but to him I am the human who will end his existence.
It is time for him to go. It has been his time for a LONG TIME, but only now am I stepping up to the plate. His roots run so deep, that I can no longer tell whether it is my self or him who is talking in my head. I need to love my self more, and he will dissipate….forever.
Just this morning, he appeared and was able to create a feeling that I would miss him once I successfully end him. Amazing are his powers of influence! Truly Amazing.
The most amazing thing (which is also a key driver to my strength) is the fact that I know nothing else in my life will be as challenging as this war. Once I successfully defeat this mighty demon, other challenges in my life will simply be child’s play. It is as simple as that.
It is on. BIG TIME.
Day 2
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
This has been the by far the biggest challenge of my life. It has been a part of my life for around 12 years…which at the age of 24 is around half my life. Some years have been controlled by this demon more than others, but all these years he has been there. I hate him. I truly do. He is so evil he is able to take on the face of a friend who has my best interest in mind. After all this time, there is one thing I know for sure: HE DOES NOT HAVE MY BEST INTEREST IN MIND. He is a bastard and he needs to die. By dying he will no longer be a part of my life. I have given too much of my life to him…missing out on who knows how many great opportunities.
It is never to late to change the course of ones life, so today, right now…NOT TOMORROW (as I always say)…I am making a change. Look out…this could get a little crazy. If any one should look out it is this demon; he is in for some serious shit. That shit is my will power, the one major weakness to my being throughout my entire life. This will be the greatest test of all time….and that title does not even do it justice. This will be a journey…but a journey I am willing to take. Even know I am doubting my self and starting to justify this demon.
Bottom line: he is a demon, and has interfered with my life for the last time. I hate him.
Goodbye demon, thank you for teaching me so much about my self. Now I will use it to strengthen my self.
When I make it through this challenge and return to reality and real life, I will be unstoppable. The strength and willpower it will take to make it through this will be astronomical….once I am that strong, there is not much that can stand in my way.
Lets do it brah.
Day 1 begins.
It is never to late to change the course of ones life, so today, right now…NOT TOMORROW (as I always say)…I am making a change. Look out…this could get a little crazy. If any one should look out it is this demon; he is in for some serious shit. That shit is my will power, the one major weakness to my being throughout my entire life. This will be the greatest test of all time….and that title does not even do it justice. This will be a journey…but a journey I am willing to take. Even know I am doubting my self and starting to justify this demon.
Bottom line: he is a demon, and has interfered with my life for the last time. I hate him.
Goodbye demon, thank you for teaching me so much about my self. Now I will use it to strengthen my self.
When I make it through this challenge and return to reality and real life, I will be unstoppable. The strength and willpower it will take to make it through this will be astronomical….once I am that strong, there is not much that can stand in my way.
Lets do it brah.
Day 1 begins.
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